I've lost my way

I'm way off track. I signed up for Weight Watchers and did really well for the first week, but then I have slowly lost my way. All week long I've been eating like crazy. I know it is out of depression and frustration. Tonight I have eaten more than a half a bag of M & M's Peanuts. I'm just going crazy with my eating. I don't know why I am doing this.

I've got to get myself under control. Tomorrow when I get up I will only eat what is good for me. I'll stay within my points.

If I get anxious, then I need to come blog about it. No more of this. This is abuse! I am abusing myself with food. I can't keep doing this. I think it is this sadness from my split with Kevin. Why do you have such power over me. I loved you Kevin. I still love you in my own way. I miss you so much. But you aren't good for me. If you wanted to, you could have reached out to me... but you didn't. Martha has taken my place.

I must go on and make my own way. I must take care of myself like I have all these years. It was good while it lasted.... and I do believe in your dream. I wish you had believed in me.

Help me Lord. Help me Lord to get control of myself. Kevin didn't love me Lord. His love was counterfeit. Please Lord, be my brother, my friend, my husband, my everything. I am so empty Lord. I feel so empty. Lord, please bring joy to my life. Please bless my finances, please help me to get glasses Lord. Please give me someone to love, Lord. I'm so empty, Lord. Please fill me up with your Love. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I didn't get that Elance Gig

I was very excited to get the elance gig for a try out.. but it turns out that the guy wasn't interested in my way of writing. I told him not to pay me and I would use the articles myself. there is nothing wrong with the articles. He gave no direction, and I did the best I could. I don't want to do any more of that kind of work.. but will work with Trish, Carol and Michelle if they need me. 

Things that eat at you

One of the things that happens when you are on a long term weight loss plan is that you have to learn what eats at you, so that you don't eat in defense of those things.  Unhealthy eating habits are usually learned over time. I have always been one to use food as a type of drug. Now that I am eating much less, I am coming face to face with things that crop up. I get the urge to cry for no reason. I feel anxious. Now I know that the anxious feeling is something that would go away when I ate something. I wouldn't actually be hungry, yet I would feel hungry. I don't have those hungry feelings anymore, but I do get anxious feelings still.

I'm an emotional eater.  When I stop feeding my emotions with food, my emotions get raw. They come near to the surface and they threaten to spill over in tears.  I may not know why I am crying, but the emotion has to come out.  I embrace this part of myself, because I would rather let the tears come out than the pounds go back on. I would rather let my emotions come to the surface and be released than to stuff them with food and pack the pounds back on. 

Hooray for me! 12 pounds down!

Hooray for me! I have lost 12 pounds my first week!  I am so happy about this. I hope to have at least 5 pounds off by next Saturday.

I was pretty productive yesterday. I wrote 2 articles for Tom, but ended up keeping them because he wasn't satisfied. I worked hard on them, so I added a little of myself in them and then submitted them to AC. I wrote 2 for Factoidz yesterday.

I hope to get some good work done today also.

Weight 298.

Finally Under 300!

This isn't my weigh day, but I did weigh and found that I am under 300 now. I am 298. I've lost 12 pounds so far this week! I'm so happy about this. I'm so thankful to Weight Watchers. I'm taking it seriously this time. Losing weight is hard work. I have to be true to it, or else I will not lose.

I'm back at work again writing for myself again. I'm beginning to lift out of my depression again.

I'm so excited!

I got a paying gig through Elance.com!  It's a try out gig for health articles. I'm really happy that I have this. I hope that I get this gig full time!

It's time to regroup

Okay, I've had a few days to grieve and be depressed. It's time to get busy again and start making my living again.  Tomorrow I will start writing again for pay for AC.. getting some ready to get offers on. At the end of each day I will submit them for offers. I need to try and write 3 a day for AC and 2 a day for Factoidz.

Kevin is part of my past. He was a great friend to me and I appreciated him for all the time we were friends. Now he feels I have wronged him, and frankly, his attitude towards me shows me that we were never really friends. I am so done with him. It's time for me to move on now.

It's time for me to love myself enough to get busy again.

Did not weigh today.

Exercised quite a few times... approximately 50 minutes in total. 

Feeling better all around

I'm not 100 percent yet physically or emotionally, but I am much better. I've been following the Weight Watcher's plan and I'm losing weight and feeling better. My gout is feeling better. I hurt last night, but not all that much... I noticed it hurt less than usual.

I've come to the realization that Kevin used me to work all sorts of hours while he did nothing. I don't love him anymore. That emptiness is leaving me.

Weight 302.

Being true to myself

I need to be true to my authentic self.  I always feel like I'm not good enough to have someone in my life. It's my ego getting in the way.  My fat has been a protector of me for so long... and maybe it has been a protector of other people too.. to make them feel better than me. My fat is a barrier that insulates me from getting hurt. I am going to start reaching out to make connections to people. I am going to show people the real me.

It's fine to have friends online, but I also need to have friends offline. I do want to be a size 10 or a size 12, but that isn't my main goal. My main goal is to break out of the fat that has held me back for so long. I don't need to lose the weight to feel good about myself, but I do need to lose the weight so I won't be held down or held back.

I want to set an example for my daughter also. I want to lose the weight. Maybe when I start getting smaller than my daughter, maybe then she will be motivated to lose weight also.

I'm thinking about my daughter's father. It makes me sad that he seems to hate me. It makes me sad that he chooses to make me the bad guy when there is really no bad guy here. We both went on with our lives. Part of me wishes that we could have stayed together, but things were so bad I had to leave that marriage. It makes me sad that I have never had a forever marriage, till death do us part. There's nothing I can do about that now... all I can do is make the the best version of myself as I can.

I want to be me! I want to know who the real me is. I want to also have money to buy a car with also. Each month I will put away some money for purposes that I need it.. for my glasses and for a vehicle. The first thing to do is to just keep saving money. Save for the sake of saving, and make a vow not to spend it on other things... save until I have more than enough for what I need. Borrow from myself when I need to, and not borrow from a finance company again. Get S & S paid off and not go there again.

My weight loss journey will take me places that I have wanted to go for a very long time. I don't know where I am going, just yet.. but I know that I'm going on a journey.

How do I feel about Kevin? He is part of my past. I needed him to feel good about myself, but I don't need him anymore. I will rely on myself for happiness, and let the people who love me give me their love also. I will start making people my priority... make them feel good for being with me. Meet their eyes, and know I am good enough to see them eye to eye. 

Doing good, but don't feel like writing today

Every since the Kevin Saga,  I have been drained physically and emotionally.  I'm doing better emotionally, but I'm kind of burned out.  I don't even feel like writing just now.  I probably should push myself, but I just don't feel like doing anything just now. I might just go out into the kitchen and wash dishes and sweep the floors and sweep and mop the floor. Maybe then I will rest a bit and then write something. I just don't feel creative today.

I said I wasn't going to weigh, but I did anyway.. I lost 5 pounds.. was 310 and now am 305.

It's 9:55 pm now.. and I've not done much all day long. Haven't felt like writing. 

Finished my first day back at Weight Watchers

I have finished my first day of eating with Weight Watchers. I still had 4 points not used, but I just won't use them. I feel good that I had what I wanted and ate more fruit today. I won't be weighing until next week.. i want to see a good weight loss. No cheating! Cheating only hurts me. I have to parent my body and make the decisions to keep myself on track. Pain is weakness leaving the body!

Restarted with Weight Watchers

I've been off Weight Watchers for a long time. I've not lost any weight, so to speak. I keep going up and down. I weighed last night and I was up to 310 again, so I started back with WW. I am happy with my progress today... and I've earned 2 activity points. I'm not going to give in and weight each day either, like I always did before. I won't be weighing until Sunday of NEXT WEEK!!!! My goal for next week will be 10 pounds at least. I hope I can lose more.. but IF I don't I won't beat myself up. I'll be glad to lose whatever I can lose. I'm also going to be happy to start eating healthy again.

I'm done with the Kevin Saga. I still do miss him, but I really don't want him in my life anymore. He is abusive and I don't want abusive people in my life. He was very abusive to Carol and I did nothing to protect her. I agreed with him that she was a pain in the ass sometimes. Well, she can be, but I shouldn't have tolerated him saying that out in the open.

He will have to get his own spinner. I'm so glad that I didn't let him buy my TBS... or he would really be mistreating me.. he would really try to sue me. I don't think about him as much anymore... but he did try to ruin me. I'm better off without him in my life.

Will not weight until next week.

Getting better emotionally

I'm getting better emotionally now after the Kevin saga.  I'm so glad to be done with him. I see him for what he is now. He is a jerk that likes to strong arm his way. He does pay well, when he has the money and he was good to me, but when he thinks I crossed him (which I didn't do), he was very mean to me.  He will never get close to my heart again.

I loved him like a big sister loves her little brother. I wanted to take care of him and protect him from anyone who who said things about him that I didn't like. He could call Carol a pain in the ass, and I would be upset with her for saying bad things about him... so it is best that I not let him get between me and my friends.

I learned to never put one friendship over another, but to judge the behavior of one friend against another. He did get me to show him something I was working on for someone else. It was wrong to do that because I had signed a no disclosure agreement with the other boss. He did use that against me when he felt he could ruin me. He didn't accomplish what he hoped to do, and I'm glad of that. I know who my real friends are now. He will never be anything to me ever again.

I know I haven't lost any weight, so there is no sense in weighing. I need to get my thoughts and feelings sorted out so I can get back on track again.

Having a terrible day

I'm so ridden with guilt as far as Trish is concerned. I have to show her that I will never be friends or work with Kevin ever again. I'm too easily to be manipulated by him. Trish is right.. if I was such a good friend to her, why did I throw her under the bus, so to speak, by giving inside secrets to the competitor? It's like giving insider information in he stock market. It was very dishonest of me.

Kevin made me feel like a million bucks, but that is no excuse for giving him what he wanted. I wish I could lay down my life right now because I killed something between Trish and I that I can never get back again.

These are the last words I will ever say to Kevin Leland written on his bangari blog:

"I'm still grieving over the loss of our friendship Kevin, but I will get over it. I let you get into my head. I feel like I'm going through a divorce, of sorts... because a friendship to me is much like a marriage. I might get upset with a friend, but I always love them... but since you threw me away, I have nothing to do but to accept that. 

Good luck to you Kevin. I want only good things for you always. I wish I had kept my distance from writing for you... I had trepidations in the beginning because I felt the techie stuff was over my head.

We would still be friends IF I had never worked for you."

October 6, 2011 9:14 AM 

I'm done with Kevin. I don't normally throw friends away, because I am 'married' to them. I have friends for life.. I have acquaintanceship and I have friends.  My friends I can count on one hand.. I don't let people in if I feel I can't trust them.. I have seriously thought about ending my life over this, because I can't live with it. I'm just too damned chicken to go through with it, and then someone else would have to clean up the mess I left afterwards.. so it's not fair to them. 

It I had never been friends with him and listened to him that wouldn't have happened. There is nothing I can say to change things. I will live with your decision and make the best of it... because my life does have to go on.  Getting stuck in the guilt.. and yes I will be guilty for the rest of my life, isn't going to help me be productive... 

I suck as a friend.  I don't deserve any friends. 

Had kind of a bad evening so far, but it's looking up

I've had a tearful afternoon. Everything has made me cry. I'm still so distraught over Kevin's treatment of me.  It's truly like living through a divorce. I hate that feeling, for sure.  I wonder if he misses me?  Probably not. Why should I even care? He really does have a mean streak in him.

I was distraught because I tried to get a paid domain on a wordpress blog. I asked for a .com site and got a regular blog site.. cost me $25. I got my money back though after going back and forth with them in the support department.


I've eaten everything I can today... had a yogurt, so I can't have anymore today.. will wait until tomorrow.

It still bothers me about Kevin

It still bothers me that Kevin pointed fingers at me for betraying him. He doesn't realize that when he points his fingers at me, he has 3 fingers pointing back at himself!  I don't know why this bothers me so much. I am trying to divorce him in my mind as my friend. He was a real friend to me, or at least I thought he was. I've got to get over this, but the only way to get over it is to be able to talk about my feelings. This is what this blog is all about. It's my weight loss journey, but it is also about my feelings. I don't want to stuff my feelings with food, so therefore, this blog is an essential part of my emotional healing.

Did not weigh today.

I divorce you!!!!

I divorce you Kevin, as my friend.  You were almost my everything. Outside of my family, you were the only man in my life who I care about.  I believe you loved me too, but I was putty in your hands, so to speak. I did whatever you wanted me to do, because I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be your everything, in a friendly kind of way.

I would be in love with you, if I had been 20 years younger. I really felt that you valued me... but I'm not so sure anymore. You were very abusive to me. You were abusive to Carol, but I didn't care about that... because you weren't abusive to me. Now you hate me and you show me how much you really hate me.

I divorce you Kevin. I divorce you!

Have a good life.  My best way to send you off is to do the best I can... to make a good living for myself... I'm not in the military... so I'm not a 'grunt' Kevin.

Have a nice life!

Shape Shifter

You think you know me, 
You think you see me, 
but tis an image that you see. 
Just a tiny reflection of me. 
I let you see what you want to see, 
I'm a shape shifter, 
changing, metamorphosing, evolving, 
into the stranger that looks back at me 
in the fractured looking glass.
I am lost, drifting in a fog. 
It's nice here, because I am covered, 
by a blanket of ethereal gray. 
You think you know me, 
You think I'm plain like vanilla ice cream, 
but I am a hodgepoge of flavors and hues.
A frosted glass wall stands twixed you and me, 
Light filters in, but no image do you see. 
You see what you want to see. 
I am lost. I can't find my way. 
The roads I take all lead to dead ends. 
I don't feel safe. I am lost.
I'm not real, I'm not authentic, 
but, I put on a happy face. 
I appear to have it all together; 
however, .... 
There is a battle going on inside, 
and a love/hate temperament resides. 
It's easier to run and hide, 
than face the truth and deal with what's inside.


****


I wrote this a few years ago, but it still does fit me now.  I got a good scolding from one of my sister friends. I didn't support her when she was being attacked by Kevin. It didn't hurt me, because it wasn't being done to me. I felt it was between them... but when Kevin turned on me, I realized just how it feels to be dumped on. 


I will try to be a better person. I do learn from my mistakes.


Weight: 301

Had a better night last night

I've been really stressed out over the way Kevin treated me.  It's okay.... it's over now... for me ... anyway.  I went to bed early last night due to pain in my left jaw. I had clenching pain in my jaw and then the nerves in my face were affected. My face felt like a big spider web was draped over my face. It was that creepy feeling you get when you mistakenly walk into a spider's web.

By the time I was feeling that sensation on my face, I started to get aphasic. I was unable to speak. I was still able to think though.  I was typing and I usually enunciate when I type... I couldn't do that last night. I couldn't speak at all.  In about 10 minutes the sensation was gone and I was able to speak again. I know it is stress. It's a conversion disorder, or a conversion reaction.

I'm much more able to deal with my eating. I time myself to eat a small amount every 3 hours and then I don't eat anything after 8 PM.

Weight: 303.

Making a change!

I had to get rid of some excess baggage that was weighing me down. As an independent contractor I was working with a friend of mine, but my friend turned out to be a Jekyll and Hyde type of person. I never knew what his real temperament was until he was dealing with some people that didn't want to pay us. He strong armed them into paying.  Since I worked for him and I wanted my money, I didn't care that he did that... I was sort of proud of him... but shocked at the same time... anyway... I didn't care that he used these tactics as long as I wasn't the target.

Well now I am the target... so... I think it is time to drop some dead weight.  He wanted me to help him with his dream. I was part of it, he said.  He said he couldn't do it without me. I don't know... but he did leave lots of the managing to me... while he did God knows what.

Well.. now he has turned his temper on me and he is trying to extort money out of me... he said he paid me too much.. he didn't. He paid me for services rendered.  Now he is mad at me, so he wants to change things.

The fact is... his dream isn't coming together. In fact, his little dream is a sinking ship... he wants Trish.. a business woman with him.. and she won't touch him with a 10 foot pole.. maybe even a 30 foot pole.

The last couple of days I have been able to eat just small amounts and to feel full. I'm feeling better and lighter because I have this dead weight off my shoulders... he will have to do all that work from now on.

Maybe he will get Martha to do his work for him... and then when he gets his fill of her, he will turn on her.  He is going to lose lots of people.

I didn't want to put my weight down here, but I was 305 this morning I think... I'm not going to weigh every day.. I don't want to obsess about it... I just want the new changes in my life to take place.

Weight: 305