I've lost my way

I'm way off track. I signed up for Weight Watchers and did really well for the first week, but then I have slowly lost my way. All week long I've been eating like crazy. I know it is out of depression and frustration. Tonight I have eaten more than a half a bag of M & M's Peanuts. I'm just going crazy with my eating. I don't know why I am doing this.

I've got to get myself under control. Tomorrow when I get up I will only eat what is good for me. I'll stay within my points.

If I get anxious, then I need to come blog about it. No more of this. This is abuse! I am abusing myself with food. I can't keep doing this. I think it is this sadness from my split with Kevin. Why do you have such power over me. I loved you Kevin. I still love you in my own way. I miss you so much. But you aren't good for me. If you wanted to, you could have reached out to me... but you didn't. Martha has taken my place.

I must go on and make my own way. I must take care of myself like I have all these years. It was good while it lasted.... and I do believe in your dream. I wish you had believed in me.

Help me Lord. Help me Lord to get control of myself. Kevin didn't love me Lord. His love was counterfeit. Please Lord, be my brother, my friend, my husband, my everything. I am so empty Lord. I feel so empty. Lord, please bring joy to my life. Please bless my finances, please help me to get glasses Lord. Please give me someone to love, Lord. I'm so empty, Lord. Please fill me up with your Love. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I didn't get that Elance Gig

I was very excited to get the elance gig for a try out.. but it turns out that the guy wasn't interested in my way of writing. I told him not to pay me and I would use the articles myself. there is nothing wrong with the articles. He gave no direction, and I did the best I could. I don't want to do any more of that kind of work.. but will work with Trish, Carol and Michelle if they need me. 

Things that eat at you

One of the things that happens when you are on a long term weight loss plan is that you have to learn what eats at you, so that you don't eat in defense of those things.  Unhealthy eating habits are usually learned over time. I have always been one to use food as a type of drug. Now that I am eating much less, I am coming face to face with things that crop up. I get the urge to cry for no reason. I feel anxious. Now I know that the anxious feeling is something that would go away when I ate something. I wouldn't actually be hungry, yet I would feel hungry. I don't have those hungry feelings anymore, but I do get anxious feelings still.

I'm an emotional eater.  When I stop feeding my emotions with food, my emotions get raw. They come near to the surface and they threaten to spill over in tears.  I may not know why I am crying, but the emotion has to come out.  I embrace this part of myself, because I would rather let the tears come out than the pounds go back on. I would rather let my emotions come to the surface and be released than to stuff them with food and pack the pounds back on. 

Hooray for me! 12 pounds down!

Hooray for me! I have lost 12 pounds my first week!  I am so happy about this. I hope to have at least 5 pounds off by next Saturday.

I was pretty productive yesterday. I wrote 2 articles for Tom, but ended up keeping them because he wasn't satisfied. I worked hard on them, so I added a little of myself in them and then submitted them to AC. I wrote 2 for Factoidz yesterday.

I hope to get some good work done today also.

Weight 298.

Finally Under 300!

This isn't my weigh day, but I did weigh and found that I am under 300 now. I am 298. I've lost 12 pounds so far this week! I'm so happy about this. I'm so thankful to Weight Watchers. I'm taking it seriously this time. Losing weight is hard work. I have to be true to it, or else I will not lose.

I'm back at work again writing for myself again. I'm beginning to lift out of my depression again.

I'm so excited!

I got a paying gig through Elance.com!  It's a try out gig for health articles. I'm really happy that I have this. I hope that I get this gig full time!

It's time to regroup

Okay, I've had a few days to grieve and be depressed. It's time to get busy again and start making my living again.  Tomorrow I will start writing again for pay for AC.. getting some ready to get offers on. At the end of each day I will submit them for offers. I need to try and write 3 a day for AC and 2 a day for Factoidz.

Kevin is part of my past. He was a great friend to me and I appreciated him for all the time we were friends. Now he feels I have wronged him, and frankly, his attitude towards me shows me that we were never really friends. I am so done with him. It's time for me to move on now.

It's time for me to love myself enough to get busy again.

Did not weigh today.

Exercised quite a few times... approximately 50 minutes in total.